A pickup truck went off the side of a bridge yesterday, killing two. the occupants of the cab were able to roll down the windows and swim to safety, but the two men in the back couldn't get the tailgate down in time. Permalink
A man needs some legal advice, so he goes to see a well known, but crooked lawyer. He asks, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer replies, "$1000 for three questions". The man says, "Isn't that a lot?", the lawyer replies, "Yes it is. What's your third question?" Permalink
A neutron walks in to a bar to get a drink, then asks the bartender: "How much is it?" The bartender answers: "For you, no charge."
Werner Heisenberg and Erwin schroedinger are out driving in Heisenberg's new car. A policeman stops them and asks Heisenberg: "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg answers: "No, but i knew where i was until you stopped me." The policeman, puzzled by this answer decides to take a closer look at the car and looks in the trunk. He then looks up and says: "Hey! Do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?" Schroedinger answers: "Well, NOW we do!"
Seen on the toilet of a German university: Werner Heisenberg COULD have been here!
Sorry if any of these have been posted before, i just saw the thread and wanted to contribute :-) Permalink
I went to a church Christmas party and they nearly ran out of apple cider, I was only able to get a fraction of it. A friend thought that I got little, but at least I saw the cup as half full. Permalink
A man goes to a halloween costume party in nothing but his boxer shorts. There's a woman in an all-green outfit hanging from his shoulders riding piggyback. Someone asks the guy, "Just what are YOU supposed to be?!". He replies, "I'm a turtle!". The person looks at the woman riding piggyback, then asks, "And who's that?" and the man answers, "Oh, that's just Michelle." Permalink
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was sodapressing.
Ok kids, for your classwork today, I want you to answer some questions. Ok, what does the fat chicken give you? Chicken!! Ok, good, what does the fat pig give you? Bacon!! Ok, the last one, what does the fat cow give you? Homework!!
In some very rare instances, sound can in fact travel faster than the speed of light. For example, I can sometimes hear the horn from the BMW behind me five whole seconds before the traffic light turns green. Permalink
Quoting Nate Andrews
When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
In some very rare instances, sound can in fact travel faster than the speed of light. For example, I can sometimes hear the horn from the BMW behind me five whole seconds before the traffic light turns green.
So, this monkey is sitting in a tree smoking something that he probably shouldn't be smoking, if ya know what I mean. A big lizard comes crawling by, looks up into the tree and asks, "Hey man, you got any more of that stuff?" The monkey replies, "Yeeeeaaah bruh, I got plenty. Come on up here!" The lizard climbs up into the tree and he and the monkey just sit there smoking the... "stuff" together for a while. The lizard says, "Hey bruuuuh, this stuff's making my mouth dry out. I'm gonna go down to the river for a drink of water." The lizard clumsily climbs down out of the tree and slowly, awkwardly, makes his way to the edge of the river where he falls into the water because of his "medicinally enhanced" state. A crocodile sees the lizard fall in and helps him back up onto the shore. The crocodile then says to the lizard, "Your eyes look kinda bloodshot. Are you on something?!" The lizard answers, "Yeeeeah, maaaaan! That monkey in the tree over there gave me some really strong stuff!" The crocodile says, "I'm gonna go have a little talk with this monkey then." The crocodile goes over to the tree and shouts up to the monkey, "Hey, YOU up there!!!" The monkey looks down at the crocodile and says, "Duuuuude, how much water did you drink?!"