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Jokes and Puns #4
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 Group moderator 
Started with admin's permission. As always, be sure to keep it clean, and definitely check out the previous forums if you find yourself in need of a good laugh.

http://www.moc-pages.com/group_conversation.php?id=21963&topicid=92690
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| January 31, 2016, 4:27 pm
 Group moderator 
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "Woman".

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
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| January 31, 2016, 4:36 pm
 Group moderator 
An elderly man comes into the kitchen one morning where his wife is making breakfast. He asks her, "Am I late for the g@rbage?" and she replies, "No, jump in!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
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| February 11, 2016, 10:12 pm
A pickup truck went off the side of a bridge yesterday, killing two. the occupants of the cab were able to roll down the windows and swim to safety, but the two men in the back couldn't get the tailgate down in time.

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| February 12, 2016, 11:29 am
 Group admin 
A man needs some legal advice, so he goes to see a well known, but crooked lawyer. He asks, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer replies, "$1000 for three questions". The man says, "Isn't that a lot?", the lawyer replies, "Yes it is. What's your third question?"
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| March 6, 2016, 6:46 pm
 Group moderator 
(haven't posted here in ages)

Nobody showed up for ninja training the other day... OR DID THEY???

Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: So she could say hello from the other side.

Q: How do fish get high? A: Seaweed. (booooo)

When my grandpa turned 65 he decided to start running a mile a day to keep fit. Now he's 70 and we have no idea where he is.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? A: "Aye matey!" (read it loud and then start booing)

Q: How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A Brazilian.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer and I haven't been able to stop tripping ever since.

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick. Duh.

A toothless termite walks into a bar and ask, "Is the bar tender here?"

Q: Where did the miner go after the explosion? A: Everywhere.

Q: A farmer had 196 cows, but when he gathered them all together, he had an even 200. How? A: He rounded them up.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Q: What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea? A: They'd get wet. ._.

NEVER let your pasta touch your antipasto, or you'll risk causing a cataclysmic explosion. (BOOOOO)
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| March 24, 2016, 4:10 pm
 Group moderator 
Q: What time does Sean Connery usually get to Wimbledon? A: Tennish.

Q: What's the password for Forrest Gump's computer? A: 1Forrest1.

A magician was walking down the street... then he turned into a driveway.

Q: What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? A: Bison. (booooo)

Donald Trump. HAAAAHAAAAHAHAHAHAA-hahaha... ha... ha.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

I was going to tell a dubstep joke, but I dropped it.

Q: Why did the hipster drown in the lake? A: He tried to go ice skating before it was cool.

Canabananalism: when a banana eats another banana.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I used to be afraid of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

Patient: "Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places!" Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places any more then."

Q: What did the ghost say to the wall? A: "I'm just passing through."

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

Q: When's the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth hurty. (BOOOOO)

Today a man asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

(anybody still on here to read these?)
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| April 26, 2016, 9:57 pm
I am! That last one really cracked me up.

You need to know math to get this one: A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for 10 times as many drinks as everyone else. The barman says, "Now that's an order of magnitude!"


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| April 26, 2016, 10:03 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting City Creator ~
I am! That last one really cracked me up.

You need to know math to get this one: A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for 10 times as many drinks as everyone else. The barman says, "Now that's an order of magnitude!"


*slow clap*
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| April 26, 2016, 10:10 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
*slow clap*


Speaking of math, I told my math teacher the cow joke yesterday

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| April 26, 2016, 10:11 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting City Creator ~

Speaking of math, I told my math teacher the cow joke yesterday
The "Mike Howe" one?
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| April 26, 2016, 11:10 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting City Creator ~

Speaking of math, I told my math teacher the cow joke yesterday
The "Mike Howe" one?


Nah the one about rounding.
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| April 27, 2016, 12:11 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting City Creator ~

Nah the one about rounding.
Oooooh. That's a good one too. The Mike Howe one could potentially get you in trouble if the person has no sense of humor. ._.

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| April 27, 2016, 8:51 am
 Group moderator 
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
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| April 28, 2016, 12:45 pm
 Group moderator 
I tried to kill a roach with Axe body spray. Now his name is Chad and he won't stop talking about his crossfit.
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| November 3, 2016, 4:43 pm
 Group moderator 
Two fleas hopped out onto the sidewalk one day. One turned to the other, and asked, "Should we walk, or take a dog?"
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| December 5, 2016, 6:39 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Two fleas hopped out onto the sidewalk one day. One turned to the other, and asked, "Should we walk, or take a dog?"
lol, good one m8

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| December 5, 2016, 7:56 pm
 Group moderator 
Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
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| May 2, 2017, 10:29 pm
Old and cheesy physics/chemistry jokes:

I'd tell you a joke about sodium, but Na...

Wanna hear a joke about potassium? 'K..

A neutron walks in to a bar to get a drink, then asks the bartender: "How much is it?" The bartender answers: "For you, no charge."

Werner Heisenberg and Erwin schroedinger are out driving in Heisenberg's new car. A policeman stops them and asks Heisenberg: "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg answers: "No, but i knew where i was until you stopped me." The policeman, puzzled by this answer decides to take a closer look at the car and looks in the trunk. He then looks up and says: "Hey! Do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?" Schroedinger answers: "Well, NOW we do!"

Seen on the toilet of a German university: Werner Heisenberg COULD have been here!

Sorry if any of these have been posted before, i just saw the thread and wanted to contribute :-)
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| May 9, 2017, 4:08 am
Why do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium.

I'd tell you a joke about Nobel gasses, but all the good ones argon.
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| May 9, 2017, 10:47 am
Quoting James Douglas
Why do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium.

I'd tell you a joke about Nobel gasses, but all the good ones argon.

Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...
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| May 9, 2017, 11:07 am
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...


So, a proton walks into a hotel, and is approached by the bellboy, who says "can I take your bags sir?"

"No." The proton responds. "I'm travelling light."


He he he he he.

A man is about to jump off the Empire State Building, but a physicist sees him and says "don't jump! You've got So much potential!"


(Explanation- gravitational potential)



If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in seine




(Explanation- the river Seine runs through Paris)
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| May 9, 2017, 2:07 pm
Your life
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| May 9, 2017, 2:08 pm
Quoting City Creator
Your life


The thought of you having freinds
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| May 9, 2017, 2:09 pm
Quoting James Douglas

So, a proton walks into a hotel, and is approached by the bellboy, who says "can I take your bags sir?"

"No." The proton responds. "I'm travelling light."


He he he he he.

A man is about to jump off the Empire State Building, but a physicist sees him and says "don't jump! You've got So much potential!"


(Explanation- gravitational potential)



If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in seine




(Explanation- the river Seine runs through Paris)

Hahaha, the potential-one was great, i had not heard that one before :-D

And the Seine-one.. While i know the Seine runs through Paris, and am good at English - even for a Dane - it actually took me about a minute to get the pun in that one!
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| May 9, 2017, 3:48 pm
 Group moderator 
The more you light a lighter, the lighter the lighter gets until it's too light to light.
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| May 9, 2017, 10:14 pm
 Group moderator 
If your father's Icelandic and your mother's Cuban, does that make you an Icecube?
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| May 21, 2017, 8:30 pm
Real story:

I went to a church Christmas party and they nearly ran out of apple cider, I was only able to get a fraction of it. A friend thought that I got little, but at least I saw the cup as half full.
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| June 9, 2017, 1:25 pm
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...

LOL
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| June 9, 2017, 1:47 pm
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...


Hmm. ;) :thumbsup:
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| June 9, 2017, 9:16 pm
Womean speaking to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband i would poison your tea!" Winston Churchill: "And if you were my wife i would drink it!"
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| June 10, 2017, 3:29 pm
Quoting Builder Allan
Womean speaking to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband i would poison your tea!" Winston Churchill: "And if you were my wife i would drink it!"

Nice! In a similar vein:

Actress speaking to George Bernard Shaw: 'Imagine the children we'd have, with my looks and your brains!'
GBW: 'But what if, madam, the poor mites had my looks and your brains!'

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| June 10, 2017, 3:43 pm
Quoting Nick Barrett
Nice! In a similar vein:

Actress speaking to George Bernard Shaw: 'Imagine the children we'd have, with my looks and your brains!'
GBW: 'But what if, madam, the poor mites had my looks and your brains!'

Hahaha, ouch! Good one! There are some real masters of snappy comebacks out there in real life :-D I'm not one of them though :-/
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| June 10, 2017, 4:40 pm
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i Brick Chat #23 Updated Thursday
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