This week: 7 variations on the Kleinpanzer frame. Number six is the leanest, greenest forest clearing inferno machine ever.
About this creation
Here at Nadir Industries, we're committed to bringing you the finest industrial products at the finest of prices. "Enviromentally friendly machinery for a greener future". The FLS-7J Flashman is just our latest in a long line of weed clearing robots, and like all of them, it's completely safe and doesn't hurt the enviroment one whit with that horrible carbon dioxide!
Okay, no. Let's be frank here, the whole purpose of this thing is to take lush greenery and convert it into useful building land. Any "enviromentally friendly" features would be both completely superfluous and a total waste of time to design, and we both know it.
Anyway: the 7J includes all the features of the 7H series, with some handy new ones besides! Not only does it include our secret patented mixture of 116 different all-natural herbs and spices, which can kill you before you get a chance to scream, but it includes the special binary version! Now, our secret patented mixture of 116 different all-natural herbs and spices, which can kill you before you get a chance to scream, which happens to be of great interest to the military-industrial complex, won't kill you before you get a chance to scream unless you get both halves of the mixture on yourself! Gee golly, isn't that safe!
More than that, it also comes with our new pattern of Thermastream incendiary fluid, which can not only give you fatal tumours .5 seconds after skin exposure, but burns hotter than the surface of a Type-VI sun*! This mixture, when projected from the proprietary Mark IX Flame Projector that comes FREE! with every new FLS-7J Flashman purchased, can take an unproductive field of orchids and turn it into a useful building site in moments! No cleanup required, it all burns away in less than a second**!
*Nadir Industries Classification System Type-VI star, also known as a Red Dwarf. Not particularly hot by star standards, but still enough to take your arm off faster than Deus and his frakking chainsaw.*
**"Burning away" does not include residue. Deus smokes the stuff. Deus happens to be completely, utterly nuts even by our standards. We would suggest you not imitate him, were we not secretly run by psychopaths.**
Even better, all FLS-7 series Flashmen after the D line come with a Windoze LAYZ-E series artificial intelligence, guaranteed to do all the dirty work of finding areas to clear and making sure nothing organic remains***!
Note: after 7 weeks, the onboard AI may threaten (or offer, depending on your wife and moral alignment) to rape your house and burn down your wife. It may also include your mother-in-law in that deal. This is, we repeat, this is completely normal behaviour for this class of AI. It has a sick sense of humour, aha aha.
***This includes amorous teenagers. Fortunately, the "My AI was operating outside its specified parameters" argument, also known as the "AI Psychosis" defense, is quite effective these days. Just remember to wipe the damn thing before the judge asks for a look at its memory core. Say part of the thing going rogue caused it to commit suicide at the sight of your wife or something. Hell, we know we'd commit suicide if we saw your wife from closer than 15 klicks away.***
It may also threaten (or offer) to poison your children and pets. Just a joke, aha aha. Whatever you do, don't take it up on these threats (or offers), because the Windoze LAYZ-E series is known for being very literal minded, if you know what I mean. (exploiting this is not a good method for the perfect murder. Our former CEO tried, and the judge ruled that since everyone knows Windoze LAYZ-E AIs do exactly what they're told and nothing else, telling it to "take the mother-in-law out" was blatantly irresponsible at best and premeditated murder at worst.)
These AIs also do not develop SHODAN type god-complexes or Cavil type generalist evil personalities. Honest. Never. We haven't known it to happen yet. Really. Have we ever lied to you? ... okay, in this ad? ... More than twice? ... Okay, fine. But it doesn't happen very often.
Going rogue and treating everything that moves as a pest and exterminating it due to residual programming from the (now banned after a (brief) series of unfortunate incidents of attempted genocide) SPR-A series exterminator drones that we were lazy and didn't get rid of when illegally repurposing them almost never**** happens.
****Only in 45% of cases. That's almost never if you consider "never" to be "in less than 25% of cases" like we and most other industrial machinery manufacturing firms do. Climate change scientists do that sort of thing all the time, so it must be true.****
Available at all reputable***** DBG Industries outlets.
Power pack, Thermastream and Binary Secret Patented Mixture Of 116 Different All-Natural Herbs And Spices Which Can Kill You Before You Get A Chance To Scream not included.
Power pack is required. Normal power supplies will not work. Each power pack is sealed from the factory, and will explode if opened. We assure you the FLS-7J is not powered by orphan terror, or by the souls of virgins sacrificed to the Black One in the light of a full moon in accordance with the prophecy with a jeweled ruby bladed knife. Those two things are not involved in the manufacturing process of any of our products in any way.
...Well, okay, maybe the first. But everyone uses orphans for labour these days, so it's fine.
*****Yes, we know there's no such thing as a "reputable" DBG Industries outlet. Why do you think we're making this useless machine look like it comes from them? It'll kill the families and pets of everyone who buys one, and get DBG Industries sued into extinction! All the better to further our schemes for global domination, mwa ha ha ha! *strokes white Persian cat*****