It's finally here Ladies and Gentlemen, The Apocalypse Proxy Mercenary Squad has graciously given our cameras exclusive access to the inner workings of their operation.
About this creation
Over the next few episodes, I, Joe Fullerschmidt will be giving you all the behind the scenes dirt you’ve come to expect from the Amalgaverse’s number one holonet reality investigative reporting program… “Completely Fullerschmidt!”
The APMS headquarters is stationed on an unnamed, uncharted planet, hidden deep in the outer rim. The base is made up of many different facilities that range from recreation to housing to R&D. The first stop on our tour of this humongous facility is the “Fitness and Wellness Center”. The exterior of the facility is designed to be calming and relaxing with a small pond and a picnic area for the enlisted soldiers to relax before their next call to duty.
The average career expectancy of an enlisted soldier in the APMS is about two weeks before they die horribly in some… I mean they retire, yes they retire.
It has been rumored that many of the Jedi that survived Order 66 joined the APMS. APMS officials fervently deny this as they slowly wave their hand in front of the reporters faces. We believe them completely. There are no Jedi here.
The APMS has spared no expense in the design of their facilities. The second story outdoor balcony is just one of the many amenities that other merc squads have to do without. But then, this is why the APMS is the best.
This is the main entrance to the Fitness and wellness center. As you can see, even though this building is for recreation, it is still on a military compound and armed guards are stationed throughout as well as on patrol.
To enter the facility, each member of the squad is provided with a 6 digit PIN. Enter the PIN on the keypad and place your thumb on the print pad on the top of the unit to gain entrance to the facility. Enter the wrong PIN more than twice and the guards on either side of you are authorized to use deadly force. You can’t be too careful.
The second story bay window from outside. The “window” is actually made of the same transparasteel viewports that are used on Star Destroyers. As we said earlier, this is a military compound.
Just inside the front entrance is Janice, the receptionist. Janice has been trained in 17 different forms of hand to hand combat and is proficient in small arms, less than lethal weapons, suspect control tactics and smack talk. Don’t even think of messing with her.
There are thousands of people working for the APMS and these computers have information on every member of the squad complete with photos, physical descriptions, finger prints and sexual orientation. The last one is kinda don’t ask don’t tell so… were not asking.
For those that arrive in street clothes or uniforms and need to change into workout gear, there is a small area sectioned off for the bashful.
After getting changed, the squad member places their personal belongings in these lockers. The locker transports the personal belongings to a storage locker under the facility and a claim check is issued. Don’t lose your claim check or you’ll never see your Coruscant Sithsiders ™ sneakers again.
This is the meeting area where people can sit and discuss the day’s events and talk about upcoming missions.
It can also be used to try to pick up chicks. And when you look like the guy to my left, you need all the help you can get. As a matter of fact, he should really be trying at the bar and grill in the “Town Square” (fourth wall commentary: That was a shameless plug for an upcoming APMS facility project. Stay tuned.). Chicks are easier if they’re liquored up, just ask my wife.
Here we see a couple of the members of the “Goblin Special Forces Team” coming downstairs.
What the two of them were doing up there and what that one guy has the big grin for… were not going to ask.
Behind me is the second biggest attraction of the Fitness and Wellness Center, the indoor climbing wall.
At just over fifty feet high, it provides the workout you need with out having to deal with the outside elements. Even though this planet was chosen for its constant tropical temperatures and mild weather patterns, but we won’t get into that now.
There has only been 14 deaths attributed to falls from this wall since it was constructed… six months ago. The management is considering putting in safety ropes and crash pads. So far, the cost of the funerals hasn’t surpassed the cost of the upgrades so until that happens, well you know how accountants are.
Here we have the indoor treadmill. Why someone would want to run in place, indoors, on a planet as beautiful as this is still beyond me.
The only thing I can figure is that this guy has some special reason for being in here.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have just been told by the soldier on the treadmill that he has a thing for Janice and is just biding his time, building up his courage to ask her out. Let’s all wish him the best of luck as someone as smug ugly as him really doesn’t stand a chance in hell with a chick like her! Good Luck Soldier!
Here, one of the soldiers, a Trandosian with a rare, non-infectious skin condition is about to begin his daily workout.
The free weight area is fully stocked with anything you could ask for. The free weights are actually programmable and can be set with what ever weight you want.
Let’s stand back as Grack here attempts to press 650 pounds. Good luck Grack… let’s move on, I really don’t want to be around if he screws this up.
You may have been asking yourself earlier, if the wall was the second biggest attraction in the facility, what was the first? Well here it is. The giant hot tub!
Here we see a close up of the unique “out of water jet”. This jet’s water temperature can be adjusted from hot to cold depending on the wishes of the user. If no one is using it, the water comes out at 102 degrees, the same temperature of the rest of the tub. (fourth wall commentary: That’s Fahrenheit, not Celsius for our friends overseas)
Here’s a nice view of some of the controls of the hot tub. That, and my camera man was trying to get a down blouse shot of the hot chick. Someone should have told him she’s just a toy and doesn’t actually have any… never mind.
The entire hot tub is surrounded by a wooden deck area. This is so the floor around the tub doesn’t get soaked every time someone gets in or out or gets a little friskie.
The benches serve as a great place to relax if just visiting some friends and not having the forethought to bring your suit. I seem to be getting a strange look from the gentlemen in the… Oh I get it.
I believe we have overstayed our welcome here. I can see why this area is the most popular in the facility.
That concludes our tour of the APMS Fitness and Wellness Center. We hope you enjoyed the show and look forward to seeing you for the next episode.
As I’ve stated before, this is a military compound and anything can happen. We are scheduled to go to the “Officers Quarters” in the next episode and meet the ranking officers of the APMS, but things can change at anytime. We do have back up facilities that we can visit at anytime during our stay here so we will always have a show for you! Until next time, I’m Joe Fullerschmidt and you’ve been watching “Completely Fullerschmidt!”
(Fourth Wall Commentary: I told you this was going to be too big for me and would get very messy! I hope you enjoyed my first real MOC! PLEASE LEAVE SOME FEEDBACK AS THIS IS THE FIRST OF MANY TO COME. I need to know what you liked and didn’t like so I can improve for the next installment.)
P.S. “This Sucks!” is not constructive criticism. If you don’t like it, at least be creative.
Hahaha...no need to add to the comedic value of this page so I'll just stick with a simple "excellent". Maybe it won't get rejected like all my other $%^&%&$ reviews. Here we go...careful now....excellent!
To me it's more "demon spawn" than post apoc, but hey, whatever floats your boat. I don't care what it's called cause it rocks! How did I not see this site sooner? I think I need to call in sick to work and devote the next few days to studying your master craftsmenship. AFOLS Assemble! (working on a new catch phrase... I'll keep trying) Later ~ Chris.
This is just great and full of clever little ideas. I really enjoyed watching it - and reading your comments :) Wanna more! Besides, I think the guys are right: nothing beats a pic with Leia in her bikini to create interest among geeks :)
I agree with Mr. Calamitous there about the main pic. Use you best, most concise pic (or a jacuzzi shot always does the trick...) Nonetheless a very well built and funny MOC Chris. Where can I pick up my APMS Fitness and Wellness center t-shirt? :) Can't wait to hear more from Fullerschmidt; he knows heaps!