LIU Atlas - Lacunar Urbs B . There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas. . LIU Atlas- Lacunar Urbs B
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Note: This is the second episode in a series. In order to get the full effect of this episode, you may want to check out LIU Atlas - Lacunar Urbs A. This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.
Doog: "Well folks, it's me again, Terrance "Doog" McDoogal. I've boarded the Space Elevator on Lacunar Urbs A, and I'm now headed to Lacunar Urbs B. While still the same city, Lacunar Urbs A and B are drastically different."
Doog: "Joining me for this episode is the city's second mayor, Joel Mico. What's all this stuff you have here?"
Mico: "This is your protective suit Doog. You must put it on before we venture into the city. Even though this moon has a breathable atmosphere, we don't recommend breathing it. It smells extremely foul, and it's loaded with pollutants."
Doog: "Yeah, it does smell a little ripe in here, but it's not much worse than the inside of my ship."
Mico: "I haven't even opened the airlock doors Doog. You think it smells bad now...wait until I open these doors."
Doog: "Alright fine. Let's do it."
Doog: "The city doesn't look much different in the immediate areas around the Space Elevator. It's still tightly packed with large buildings. I do see one difference though. There does not appear to be any humans. What's the deal Mico?"
Mico: "Well, it has a lot to do with what we were talking about earlier. The atmosphere is just too foul for humans. Aliens have different olfactory senses than us. Less than 1% of the residents in this part of the city are human."
Mico: "Contrary to what you see here, Lacunar Urbs B is much less populated than Lacunar Urbs A. Only about one billion of the city's fifteen billion residents live here."
Mico: "As you can see, most of the residents have elected to keep there own culture and writing systems. I have no idea what any of these signs say."
Doog: "That one straight ahead says something about alcohol. Trust me. I learned to say alcohol in nearly every language."
Mico: "That makes sense Doog. This melting pot of cultures has become popular for its exotic foods and drinks."
Mico: "In fact, in about a week, the annual Javi Grad celebrations takes place here. These balconies are usually a crowd favorite, as young intoxicated alien girls take off the clothes for Javi Beads."
Doog: "What! Why didn't I come a week later?!?"
Mico: "Trust me Doog, you don't want to see what some of these alien girls have under their clothes..."
Mico: "The city starts to transform as you move farther out from the Space Elevator. The buildings begin to give way to the ever increasing rail lines and the population dwindles. Only the poorest residents live in this transitional zone."
Doog: "It doesn't look so bad..."
Mico: "Trust me, it's bad. The poorer alien races are forced out here. They join up with other members of their alien race and form ghettoes. Right now, we're in the Dogian Ghetto."
Mico: "Yes Doog, the Dogians. This dog-like race has trouble keeping work. They tend to run off chasing trains, fall asleep at a minutes notice, and lick themselves in inappropriate places instead of working. Now, they're involved in several smuggling and biting activities."
Doog: "Aww, they don't look that bad. Who's a good puppy? Who's a good boy?"
Mico: "Doog...stop it. Don't say the B-word. That makes them really..."
Doog: "Uh...good boy...I mean, good dog...er...who wants a treat?"
Dogian: "Don't you want to see what kind of tricks I can do first, Human."
Doog: "Uh...do you want to go for walk?"
Mico: "I think we should go for run Doog!"
Doog: "Wow. We escaped by the skin on our teeth. Well, the skin on their teeth actually. Where are we now Mico?"
Mico: "We are now fully outside the residential area of the city. From here on out, the city is mile after mile of factories."
Doog: "Really? What kind of factories?"
Mico: "All our factories here are devoted to factory farming. Large imports of animal feed are shipped up here from Lacunar A. This has allowed us to farm trillions of animals."
Doog: "Wait. Factory farming?"
Mico: "Let's head inside. I'll show you."
Mico: "By farming animals in factories like this, we are able to produce much more than traditional free range farms. We are able to squeeze dozens of more animals into smaller spaces, and we can easily control all the environmental factors. All the animals are given food and water with automated systems like the one behind you. It requires less workers and makes the meat that much more profitable."
Doog: "They don't look as happy though."
Mico: "All that really matters is how happy the customer is. Studies have shown that sad pigs make twice as juicy pork chops, and therefore, twice as happy customers."
Doog: "And what's this thing up here?"
Mico: "That's an air scrubber. The foul smells and pollution I was talking about earlier all come from the trillions of animals in the factory farms. The air scrubbers clean just enough of it from the air for the pigs to survive. If you took off your helmet right now, you'd probably pass out from the smell."
Mico: "In addition to pigs, we also farm Kaadu. Stockyards like these stretch for hundreds of miles."
Doog: "Mmmmm. Kaadu Burgers all around me."
Mico: "It takes as little as one man to care for thousands of these creatures."
Doog: "Holy Kaadu! What is this?"
Mico: "This Doog, is Chit Creek. The one draw back of farming trillions of animals is the trillions of tons of waste they produce. Waste Stations, like Chit Creek, were created to deal with the problem."
Mico: "Train loads of waste from the factories are dropped into Chit Creek. A chemical additive in the creek breaks down the waste into a more liquid form. This liquid waste is then treated, dried, and shipped back to Lacunar A for use as fertilizer. It's our symbiotic relationship. They give us feed, and we give them Chit Fertilizer."
Doog: "That seems like an unfair trade to me, but what do I know?"
Doog: "Oh no! One of your workers has fallen into Chit Creek!"
Mico: "Oh no! He's up Chit Creek without a paddle!"
Doog: "You can say that again!"
Mico: "Oh man, the Chit's going to hit the fan!"
Doog: "He's in big trouble I'm guessing?"
Mico: "No! Literally, the Chit is going to hit the fan. There's a large fan in that tunnel that breaks up some of the larger chunks. He's done for!"
Doog: "Ouch. Well you know what they say, 'Chit Happens'. Shall we move on."
Mico: "A lot of the waste is too contaminated for use as fertilizer, so we had to find out a way to get rid of it. This baby back here is our answer."
Doog: "What is it?"
Mico: "It's a Crap Cannon. The unusable waste is fired out the Crap Cannon into our star. It's too insignificant of an amount to damage the star and it gets the waste off our hands. It's pretty amazing."
Doog: "Remind me not to fly that way home!"
Mico: "There's nothing to worry about Doog. We take precise measurements and readings before every shot. We haven't hit anything other than the sun yet."
Doog: "Ah. This must be the control panel. Let's see. Here's a green button, and green means go. So let's just give it a little push and..."
Mico: "Doog! No!"
Mico: "Holy Kaadu! What have you done!?! You didn't aim the cannon! Let me see, the last known trajectory is...oh $%&@, you fired it directly into Lacunar Urbs A!"
Doog: "I have a feeling that I may be in trouble. I've got to run. See ya next time viewers!"
Note: Meanwhile, back on Lacunar Urbs A:
Citizen #1: "Oh dear god! The horror!"
Citizen #2: "The weatherman never gets it right!"
Citizen #3: "Alright, who had Atomic Burritos for lunch?"